I can honestly tell you what lunch in hell is like because I was there today! Yesterday Deb, the self proclaimed faith healer neighbor called me and asked me to go out to lunch with her today. She is determined for us to hit every Chinese barff-ett buffet in the city and her goal is for us to try a different one each week. I was having a moment of weakness and unfortunately said yes. I know, what the hell was I thinking? She said that we would meet at noon and head over to #8 China Buffet over in Castleton where they have sushi and shrimp in addition to the regular evils. Noon came and went but still no Deb. I swore I would give her until 1:00pm and then I was eating lunch. She is always late and when you are on a strict insulin schedule like I am you just can’t wait around all day for lunch. At 1:00pm I get up from the computer desk to make a sandwich and then I see her arrive home. Drat! By the time she finally made her way over here it was 1:20 though so I should have gone ahead and eaten that sandwich.

As luck, or lack thereof, would have it, the skies were raining cats and dogs all day. And thanks to further lack of luck the faith healers 10 year old daughter Hannah had the afternoon off of school and went with us. (This is the point in the story where I roll my eyes and give a collective groan). Since the woman that hit Deb a couple of weeks ago didn’t have auto insurance and Deb doesn’t have rental car coverage on her own policy she had to borrow pick up truck from someone they go to church with. So there the 3 of us are jammed in together in the front of a beat up pickup truck driving across town in the pouring rain. Now I know I am hard of hearing but after sitting next to Hannah I probably lost another 10% of hearing in my ears. Not only did she talk nonstop but she yelled every word that came out of her mouth. When her mother and I would try and converse Hannah would jump in and drown us out and basically take over the conversation. And Deb would not only allow this, but would smile adoringly at Hannah when she would do this. You can just tell that in her eyes Hannah can do no wrong, even when that includes interrupting an adult and hogging any and all conversation. Someone needs to tell Hannah that she is TEN, not fourty. By the time we reached the buffet my ears were ringing and I had an enormous headache.

I would take that headache over the horror of watching Hannah eat though. Not only does she chew with her mouth completely wide open but she smacks when she chews too. It was just about as loud as her talking. I was so disgusted. And quite frankly it was embarrassing to be sitting at the same table as someone doing that. And of course she is talking loudly in the buffet too and hogging any and all conversation. Here Deb proclaims to be “super-Christian” but yet she sees nothing wrong with her conversation hogging daughter talking about bull dicks and seeing people eating bull nuts on Fear Factor. When she started talking about a 65 year old man in their church marrying a 20 year old girl in Jamaica that he had met doing missionary work (I think we KNOW what kind of “MISSIONARY” work he was doing down there) I thought she crossed the line because she started talking about how disgusting it would be to have sex with a man that was so much older than you. Still Deb looks at Hannah with a “What a precious angel she is” look on her face. Imagine what they would be like if they WEREN’T Christians!

When I got home 3 hours later (don’t ever go to a buffet with 2 fat chicks) I went to get the mail and was delighted to find a package in there. Brooklyn strikes again. This time it was a package for Lil Miss. She sent Lil Miss a huge load of kinder eggs and the cutest Barbie outfit. And once again Brooklyn’s timing was perfect because Lil Miss is stopping by tonight to pick up her clothes that she left here. She spent the night last night and of course couldn’t take her overnight case to school with her so she’ll be picking that up when her mom gets off of work tonight. She knew her Auntie Brooklyn was sending her a package and she asked me last night to make sure that I call her the second the mailman delivers it. I promised I would. But what if he delivers it on the weekend? I told her that no matter what time of day he delivered it I would call her immediately. All of the kinder eggs arrived safely except for one. Yes, one of them had a slight dent in it. I thought I should do my part for quality control and see to it that she doesn’t get a damaged kinder egg. So… I ate it. A Gwanma’s work is never done!