Have you ever read that poem “when I’m old I shall wear purple”? Surely you have what with all the older gals wearing purple and red hats. I mean really, you see that red hat stuff everywhere now days. After I returned home from the grocery this morning I was a little warm so I stripped off my purple sweater, slipped into my purple polka dotted robe, went upstairs into my purple guest room (where I keep my overflow of clothing), took off my purple robe and put on a purple short sleeved shirt. Then I slipped out of my crocs and slid my aching feet into my cushiony purple slippers. That’s when it hit me –holy shit, I’m old and I’m wearing purple! I think I’ll go out this afternoon and buy a red blouse to go with all the purple. How the mighty have fallen, eh?

I am so old that my oldest son is older than the age I claim to be. And as of Saturday he will be even one year older than that. His girlfriend (the one that is my real age) wants to have a birthday BBQ party for him. I didn’t have a problem with that and asked what I could do to help. That was my first mistake because she was more than willing to tell me what I could do to help. So the G-man will be smoking a couple of pork shoulders and making pulled pork, I will be buying chicken wings and burgers to grill on my sons new grill that we are giving him for his birthday. I will also be bringing Greek salad, potato salad, a watermelon boat filled with fruit salad, paper plates, napkins and plastic utensils. Oh, and it is BYOB so we will need to bring our own beverages. What is she contributing? Corn on the cob and 2 cans of baked beans. Then today I get another email. She discovered my son doesn’t like potato salad so instead of potato salad she wants me to bring a shrimp ring. Oh goody, how did she know shrimp ring, corn on the cob and baked beans were my favorite meal? Be careful where you step because that was sarcasm dripping. I wouldn’t want you to slip and fall in all that sarcasm that dripped off of that last sentence you know.

And to add insult to injury, what is one of the worst things you could ask your boyfriends mother to do on the anniversary of the day she gave birth to him? Ask her to baby-sit (overnight) his daughter and your two kids as well. I am sure that is just what your boyfriends mother wants to do after a day of standing in the kitchen cooking for the party you are giving him. Yes, that big puddle on the floor over there is more sarcasm dripping. Be careful, don’t slip and fall in it. (By the way, if you are over 18 and want to see something shocking that you shouldn’t see, do a google image search on the word “dripping”. Except for Brooklyn, she’s not allowed to search on that.)

Being an intelligent woman (or so I thought) I explained to her that I would love to watch all of the children but unfortunately could not as we only had one twin bed and certainly 3 children (one of them a fat whining bitch) could not fit in one twin bed. So today I get the email stating that she and my son will be bringing over a day bed for me to put in our other guest room, that way all three children could stay. Yes this woman has big kahuna’s and yes I’m a dumbass. But an old dumbass…wearing purple.

But you know, the lovely thing about being me is that I’m so damned good at it!