What can I say? Pass me a gun? Pass me a bottle of Jack? Pass me a baseball bat so I can beat a beached whale sister in law senseless? Actually there isn’t much I can say or do for that matter. I am stuck for the duration. And I can’t even blog about it really because the fat ass sister in law won’t let me go on my own computer. And when I am fortunate enough to get her out of my computer chair she just ends up sitting in the recliner that is two feet behind my computer desk and she watches everything I do on my computer. Actually she is doing it now. But I couldn’t wait, I had to blog. My fingers have been itching to get at the keyboard all day! So how did I get around the problem of her breathing down my neck while I am trying to blog? I opened up a word document to blog offline in and I changed the font to Aril size 8. Oh and I changed the color of the font to a very light gray. It is so light that I can barely see it. Lets hope she has bad eyes. I think she is breathing down my neck to try and intimidate me to get off of MY computer so she can go back on. No way toots, buzz off beached whale sister in law.

And while I am complaining could you tell me why the mother in law has to talk with food in her mouth at every meal? And she isn’t very neat about it either. Food flies all over the place. She ends up with food on her chin, her shirt, the table and worse yet ME! Yes, the food flies out of her mouth when she talks. And considering that she (as well as her daughter) is always eating, I feel like I am playing dodge ball. Only it is dodge food! Will this holiday never end?

Now that I have all of that out of my system let me tell you what we did today. We got up bright and early to start our day. G-man was a dear and made his famous homemade banana pancakes and served it with country ham slices that he had fried in our well-seasoned iron skillet. We drenched our pancakes with real Vermont syrup that we buy from a specialty shop here. With full bellies the sister in law and I went to Clay Terrace which is an outdoor shopping mall that opened up about a year ago nearby. They have a Vera Bradley store there that the SIL wanted to shop at. She has the largest purse collection that I have ever seen and quite a few of them are Vera Bradley’s. They don’t come cheap. A simple checkbook cover will cost you $28. And if you want one of their least expensive purses it will cost you $50. But being Christmas and all she treated herself to a $70 purse, a checkbook cover and a matching wallet. She spent so much in there that they gave her a complimentary luggage tag (normally $12). The next store was Bath and Body Works where her mission was to buy her mother some lotion or nice scented soaps for Christmas. What she actually purchased was several lotions and body splashes for herself. Oh, and some after-shave for Solider Boy (my daughters husband). The next store was an embarrassment for me to go in to with the SIL. We went into Victoria’s Secret. Could you imagine going into a sexy lingerie store with a …ahem…large woman? It was quite embarrassing. There she ended up buying herself 4 velvet pouches which said things like “Sexy Mama” and “Hot Stuff” in rhinestones. The next store was Stein Mart where she purchased more items for herself and a bar of rose scented soap for her mother. Her tab at Stein Mart came to $72 but the soap only cost $3.99. Next was Kohls, then The Fresh Market and Hobby Lobby. And she had me go to the drive through window at Steak and Shake so she could get a little snack on the way home. Her snack ended up being a strawberry milkshake, double cheeseburger and large fries. That was enough to exhaust any person and to take them all day to do. We did all of that before noon.

She wanted to shop more but I had to insist that we stop, as I had to cook for our annual Christmas Eve buffet. Thank God for G-man! When I finally arrived him he had done a large amount of the cooking so I really have only a few dishes left to make. I think I’ll keep that man, even though his family annoys the piss out of me sometimes.

Our buffet turned out very well. The food was excellent as always. This year we tried some new things on the menu instead of our usual old standbys. Lets see, we had smoked chicken wings, cocktail franks in BBQ sauce, ABT’s (atomic buffalo turds), shrimp cocktail, spinach artichoke dip with tortilla chips, fresh veggie tray with ranch dip, Greek salad, pickle tray which had several pickles on it as well as black olives and Spanish olives, cookies, fudge and pumpkin pie. I think I missing a few items but you get the point. It was a feast! Afterwards the mother in law makes a comment that we have plenty left over so we could just eat that tomorrow. I tell G-man, yeah lets just freeze the $100 standing rib roast and eat leftovers for Christmas dinner. Actually that sounds fine to me because I do not have a desire to slave away in the kitchen all day on Christmas day.

You are probably wondering what an ABT’s (atomic buffalo turd) is. Unless you are on the BBQ circuit. Those of us on the competition BBQ circuit could live on ABTs. They are fresh jalapenos with the seeds scooped out. You put a shred of smoked pork inside of the jalapeno with cream cheese. Then you wrap a slice of bacon around it, secure it with a toothpick and smoke it on your smoker. They are so good! The sister in law found another use for ABTs though. At the table she took the toothpick out of her ABT and while the rest of us are eating she picked her teeth with that toothpick at the table. This may not sound like such a big deal to you, but no one can pick their teeth like my sister in law. She gives tooth picking a whole new meaning. She forces the food particle out and onto the toothpick, making loud disgusting sounds the whole time. Then she examines the food particle carefully. After which she flips it off of the toothpick and onto the floor (or wherever it may land). I have to tell you, this grosses me out enormously! I am very picky about cleanliness when I cook and eat. And to have someone flicking food particles in my dining room makes me physically ill. That was it for me. I couldn’t eat another bite. The upside to this is that the sister in law is doing wonders for my diet. Who needs the Adkins diet or the Zone diet or any of those others. I give you the sister in law diet. Patent pending.

Something else happened today. It seems that Sony Boy has a rich girlfriend. I didn’t realize they were dating but it seems they are. They have only been dating a couple of weeks according to him. He hadn’t bought a Christmas present for her and hadn’t planned on buying one either. That changed today when she brought his Christmas present over this afternoon. She gave him just a mere $300 acoustic guitar with an $80 case and $30 strap. So off to the mall he went. I can assure you he wasn’t nearly as generous with her gift. Who gives someone that generous of a gift after dating only 2 weeks? And when they are seventeen? I’ve been married ten years and I’m not even giving that generous of a gift to my G-bear. But you know, when it’s your rich daddy’s money there are no bounds. I guess we are stuck with her now. Ugh.

Now that the sister in law has finally fallen asleep (but still sitting 2 feet behind me) I will take this opportunity to close. In closing let me say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! I hope Santa brings you all everything you want!!!